Regarding Your Name Change, And How You Don't Need One
I'm not referring to Madonna, but since you brought it up, I've got a list for you:
The lesson being - if you want to shorten your name, go ahead, but if you're changing it from something catchy like Scary Spice to something boring like Melanie Brown or stupid like Esther, it's not going to catch on. Shortening your name works, but if you think anyone's actually going to go through the trouble of saying Appollonia Kotero instead of just Appollonia, you have another think coming. John Cougar Mellencamp managed a slow transformation from John Cougar to to John Cougar Mellencamp to John Mellencamp, but he was clever about it, and I'll bet he doesn't get all uppity when people call him by the wrong name, unlike Jaleel White (or so I've heard.)
Side note: Accoring to IMDB, Prince originally wanted to name Vanity "Vagina," but she refused. Atta girl!
And that brings us to my real point, how Alexis Arquette won't need a name change when he gets a sex change, because he can just stay Alexis - isn't that cool?
Regarding Alexis Arquette's Humongous Penis,
And The Tragic Loss Which Shall Ensue When She Gets Her Hoohoodilly
Alexis Arquette announced he is going to get a sex change, and my first thought was, "But he has such an enormous penis! What a loss!"
It actually won't be such a tragic loss as you'd expect, because sex change surgery has come a long way, baby. In fact, nowadays it's called sex reassignment surgery, and if you think that mouthful of words is going to replace the words "sex change," I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Courtney Cox Arquette. See my point about name changes that don't work? Longer=bad, shorter=good. You have to give J. Lo credit for being smart enough to recognize that ain't nobody going to bother with Jennifer Lopez Judd Almost Affleck Anthony.
Anyway, as I was saying, sex change surgery no longer involves the dreaded chop chop, but instead is a clever manipulation of the existing material, much like how you replace the stuffing in a pillow, except you leave it empty and inside out and stuffed up inside your abdomen. Then you not only get to dress in pretty clothes and more colorful shoes, but you'll also get to say things like "I've got to go dilate my neovagina," and mean it.
For Alexis, he'll have to dilate a lot less, because as I was saying, he has an enormous penis. Alexis first came into my knowledge as the kid brother of Patricia Arquette, who played Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan. You know, I think it's happened to all of us at one point or another - you hit your head, you lose your purse, and you walk around for several days thinking you're Madonna. Sometimes I don't even bother hitting my head first.
Next, Alexis starred in Threesome, a terrible movie notable only because it showed Stephen Baldwin's ass being touched by another man. Alexis played an out gay person that everyone made fun of, mainly because he was obviously gay instead of in-the-closet gay like the lead character. Plus it has Lara Flynn Boyle at her original weight.
Anyway, around 1995 I met an incredibly tall man who told me that he was once a drag queen who went by the name of Eva Destruction, but then Alexis Arquette came along and stole that name, and since he didn't want to go by "Downtown Eva Destruction" he had to pick a new name, Diabolique. Now it seems kinda wasted because I think Alexis just goes by Alexis now. Bitch! My drag name was going to be Crystal Methadone, in case you were wondering, but I never got farther along than picking a name and occasionally doing some light housekeeping in a pair of high heels a tranny left in our apartment one time.
Then I heard that whilst at the opening night of Click + Drag, a cyberfetish party in the Meatpacking District here in New York that featured a few video-cammed bathroom stalls so the exhibitionists in the crowd could pee or do cocaine for the amusement of the crowd, Alexis and a fellow drag queen - I believe Sherry Vine - indulged in mutual oral gratification to the delight of the onlookers. I'm not sure who did what, but I was fascinated to find out that drag queens hit on each other. And succeed, no less.
And then came the photographs, which we reproduce here for the purpose of commentary and critique. They are from Greg Gorman's book of sexy photographs As I See It, which you can peruse at your leisure at his website, an activity I highly recommmend you do - repeatedly. The book itself is out of print, because let's face it - if you have a 200-page book with pictures of naked famous men with big penii, you're going to sell out.
As you can see, Alexis will have to spend less time than average dilating her neovagina.
So that's the story about Alexis. I'll leave you with a story about a magic trick I once saw involving a neovagina. [As you'll recall, Patricia "Puffy" Arquette worked as a magician's assistant in Desperately Seeking Sandra Berhnard, so it all comes full circle, doesn't it?] It involves Amanda Lepore, David LaChappelle's muse and one of the few women in the world who actually looks like Jessica Rabbit:
Here we see Amanda Sporting Her Casual Look
At some nightclub or another I chanced to witness Amanda perform the following magic trick: she took a clear plastic tube and two scarves, and stuffed a scarf into one end of the tube, and the other scarf into the other end of the tube. Then, she pulled on one end of the tube, and pulled out both of the scarves. Voila! The scarves had magically tied themselves together!
Then, she removed her top, exposing her enormous boobs. My memory gets a bit fuzzy, because looking at those boobs is like listening to George W. Bush speak - it's just hypnotic and mind-boggling, and you just can't wrap your mind around it. I imagine it's like what every single day is like for Liz Taylor.
Anyway, so she took off her top and then I think she had a box or something, and into the box she stuffed a whole bunch of scarves. Then she sat down on a barstool, lifted her skirt, and without warning, she reached up in there and pulled a seemingly endless string of scarves - all magically tied together - out of her vagina, creating a lovely flurry of color cascading magically from her vagina and onto the stage. Voila!